The Queerantine Diaries #1

For the first time in most of our lives, a global event is happening that is shaking the entire world and once this is all over, life as we know it will most likely never be the same. That both excites and terrifies me! So many things in this broken system that we live in will change and we can only wait and see if those changes will be for better or worse. I, for one, have never been good at waiting, so you can imagine how this situation is taking a toll on me – someone who does not fully understand the concept of patience.

I might not be enjoying waiting around for the world to be put back together and having to indefinitely postpone my plans (who is?) but I do understand the importance of following scientists’ advice and staying home, so home I stay, doing my small part in protecting lives. Coincidentally, that gives me a lot of time to think about my own life and what I am and will be doing with it. I swear I must’ve drafted and discarded at least 13 different possible plans about my foreseeable future in the 2 or so weeks I have been quarantined, yet I am still nowhere closer to knowing what I’m doing. Only now I have accepted that that’s okay. I mean, yes, I do have my hopes and dreams and vague ideas of the future but the current circumstances have shown me how silly I have been to always want to have an exact agenda drawn for the upcoming months of my life. Sometimes it is LITERALLY our of your hands. The organizer in me is having a minor existential crisis but the wanna-be zen master and spontaneous go-with-the-flow modern woman is quite excited by the prospect of not knowing what’s to come.

But since I’m a crowd pleaser, in order to satisfy both of my personalities I have adopted a weekly routine of listing things I would like to make happen in the near future whilst staying very aware of the fact that some of them might be beyond my control. I call it my “Wouldn’t it be cool if” journal and try to list both short and long term goals so as to give myself the satisfaction of achieving some, while still keeping my eyes and heart on the bigger tofish.

An example “Wouldn’t it be cool if” journal would look like this:

  • Wouldn’t it be cool if I did some garden work in the sun today?
  • Wouldn’t it be cool if I finished my puzzle by the end of the week? (I suck at puzzles so it really does take me a whole week to finish one)
  • Wouldn’t it be cool if I found out when I will be able to go to Mexico?
  • Wouldn’t it be cool if I knew when exactly I would see my girlfriend again?
  • Wouldn’t it be cool if I finally made those pancakes I’ve been promising my mom I’d make for weeks?

I’m aiming high and I’m aiming low and I feel like I’m managing my expectations alright but it is also a possibility that I have become delusional due to the fact I have mostly only communicated with myself for the past 16 days. Which leads me to my final point in this queerantine ramble – just like the world outside, when this is all over I will also come out a changed woman. Whether this will be for better or for worse, we’re gonna have to wait and see.

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